Drowning
by kit-scagliotti
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo had built his life trying to pretend like he didn't love her. Admitting it only in his dreams when he sees her every night. Living like a drowning man who watches the last glimpses of the sun on the fading surface. When he faces life without her he makes one final reach for the surface


_It has been a while since I wrote anything… This idea just wouldn't leave me alone. Plus, still not over the car crash that was the ending of Bleach. If anyone seems out of character, my apologies. Take this a little more AU then I originally intended._

 _Obviously, I don't own Bleach, or I wouldn't have to be on here… Though the thought of Kubo Tite writing his own fanfiction, amuses me greatly._

 _I have replaced this with a slightly better edited version. It's amazing when you are crossing the Atlantic Ocean and there is next to no internet, how quickly you want to post something. So my apologies!_

 _~ Kit_

He had always meant to move on with his life. He had honestly tried. He had married a nice girl, studied to be a doctor and had a wonderful son. But what he wanted still skirted around the periphery of his life.

In rare moments of honesty, he could admit that what he wanted; so close but so out of reach, was killing him.

The nights when she came to visit were the best kind of torture. It felt as though the sun had come out. Full and radiant on his skin and he would revel in it. Becoming more animated with each passing second with her. He often wondered if his wife or her husband ever saw the difference in him.

Kurosaki Ichigo felt a little cursed.

When she left, he was back in the rain again. He would try and pretend like he wasn't. He would answer his wife's questions and smile at her musings but in truth he was long removed from this place. He knew Kazui noticed it when he put him to bed but his son would only look at him with his large eyes full of worry. Here, Ichigo would pretend extra hard that he was alright. Kazui was never fooled.

He often chose to work late on those nights, burying himself in the casework he had yet to do but more to avoid his too sweet wife and allow her time to fall asleep. He would work until he was too tired to even acknowledge the pain and then put himself to bed.

He would lie there stretched out next to his wife. He would often wish for a bed alone, so when he thought of her it felt less like betrayal to the woman sleeping next to him. He would finally drift off to memories of her. She would laugh and smile and look up at him with those liquid eyes of hers. He would only change one thing about his memories and that was to tell her how he felt. Just before sleep claimed him he would have the final image of her throwing her arms around him as she kissed him.

When he opens his eyes, he knows this dream was different. Rukia pulls away, her expression sad. He tries to reach for her, but she seems to slip through his fingers as her eyes never leave his.

"Ichigo, you have to stop doing this." Her voice breaks his heart.

"You know I can't. I have tried. I am still trying." There is desperation and anger in his voice. "I should have told you. But now it's too late and this is all I have left."

Rukia's eyes haven't left his as he speaks to her. Only the emotion in his voice echoing in her eyes. Finally, he is able to grab a hold of her and pull her into his arms. The relief at holding her makes his eyes water. "Please don't make me give this up. I can't say goodbye to you."

"But what of your wife? Of my husband, your friend? What would they say if they knew what truly lay at the centre of your heart?" She pulls away only enough to look into his eyes, her slender hand cupping his cheek.

"I am trying to keep this to myself. I don't want to hurt anybody but I don't think I can do this without you, without this." Ichigo leans forward and captures her lips in a gentle kiss.

"Ichigo, you have to say goodbye. This dream it is killing you. Its robbing the life out of you. You have to let me go." Rukia leans forward and kisses him again, and there are tears mingling in the kiss and he cannot tell if it is hers or his.

When he wakes there are still tears on his cheeks. His wife is still sleeping peacefully next to him. Her face is relaxed clearly unpuzzled by her dreams. She stirs when he rolls over and gets up. He quickly runs a hand over his face. Removing the evidence of his tears and the ghost of her lips against his.

"Morning!" Orihime's voice is bright and cheerful. "I'm going to make coffee!"

Ichigo can only nod in response not trusting his voice to sound out a greeting in reply.

He stands and strips off his shirt. He moves mechanically to the shower, his thoughts swirling with the half-remembered dream. What remains is the cloying sadness and the feel of Rukia's lips on his.

He is dressed and downstairs to the smell of hot coffee wafting out of the kitchen. Orihime is humming as she makes Kazui's breakfast.

"There he is! Your coffee is there on the table. Toast is there too if you want it." Her smile is large across her face.

Ichigo can barely make his lips twitch in response.

"Are you okay Ichigo?" The smile falters on her face as Rukia's words echo in his ears.

"Yeah. Just had some funny dreams." It will destroy her to know whose arms he dreams the night away in.

"Ah okay. Is it like when I dream a giant robot is chasing me down the street and no matter how hard I hide, it always finds me?" Orihime pretends to hide behind her wooden spoon.

"A little different, but I'll be okay." He leans down and plants a peck on her cheek. "I'm off to work, tell Kazui good morning for me and that I'll be home in time to help him with his soccer.'

"Bye Ichigo! Have a great day!" Her hand is touching the spot where he kissed her and it makes his heart wrench.

Life seemed a lot simpler when he lived a double life, had the love of his life living in his closet and his only worry was the end of the world.

The days seem to fade into a grey background. His despair flowed like the tide, in and out. Kazui looked at him with growing concern. His eyes an identical copy of his own at Kazui's age. He remembers looking that way at his parents. But this isn't something that his son can fix or even know about. So, he hugs his son before bed longer and harder than he has before, letting him know that he'll be okay. That he loves him more than he can ever actually put into words.

He chides himself later that whatever he is going through, his son cannot bear any of his pain. The one heart that cannot break is his son's.

His dreams are empty of her. There is nothing but the grey, pouring rain no matter where his dreams take him. It feels more like he is drowning and each breathe he takes when he opens his eyes in the morning is an expelling of water from deep in the well of his soul.

At least he is getting better at hiding it, he thinks. Orihime and Kazui seem to settle back into some semblance of normality. She was happy and smiling and he spends most days trying to return that smile. Even if she doesn't notice that it is a shadow of his former one. He spends the long summer evenings playing football with his son outside.It is probably the closest to happy he feels during the day. He spends the time long after practise has finished for the two of them just sitting as the sky changes from washes of orange and pinks to the deepening of inky twilight and the glimmer of approaching stars. Occasionally they talk about school, how Kazui dislikes mathematics and how soccer practise went that day.

But most days they talk about Ichigo's life as a Shinigami. It is Kazui's favourite subject to hear about Aizen and the Thousand Year War. It thrills him to hear the stories time and time again. Today he is begging for information on Bankai, he wants to know them all. He wants some idea of what he can expect when he gets his. The way he speaks makes Ichigo release a rare chuckle. Kazui makes it seem like he will be achieving it tomorrow, not in the upcoming years of training the kid will have to undergo. This and in so many other small ways make him a copy of his father.

"What of Rukia's Bankai?" Though for such a casual question it has caused the rain he had temporarily forgotten to come crashing back.

"It is called Hakka no Togame. It is an ice type. But it is so deadly. One touch and snap you are frozen solid." Ichigo snaps his fingers, trying to dispel the image of her graceful and untouchable self, standing amongst ruins of her enemies. "The next second you crumble away, nothing left of you but ice cubes."

Kazui laughs, it's a game for them for Ichigo to make their bankai's as ridiculous sounding as possible.

"Rukia is pretty amazing, isn't she Dad?' Kazui looks at that last of the dying sun.

"Yeah. She really is." Ichigo is trying to ignore how the sunset is the exact colour of her eyes. "Come on, lets go wash up. Dinner will be ready soon."

Together they walk into the house and as Ichigo slides the door shut he takes one last look at that violet before he turns away.

It is a few days later when Orihime tells him brightly over dinner that Rukia, Renji and Uryuu are coming for dinner. The first true smile to light up his face makes his facial muscles ache as if he has forgotten the skill he needs to actually smile.

Kazui is more excited to see Ichika again.

Rukia's daughter's name, it made something inside him twist. Her name, so close to his own. He wondered what caused Rukia to think of it when she named her. Deep down he hoped it was some bond she still felt in connection to him. He always lacked to courage to ask her whenever he saw her in their few moments alone.

That dinner is a happy one. Ichigo's heart becomes tethered to the idea of seeing her again and that, at least, provides him with some shelter from the pouring rain.

The night before she arrives Ichigo dreams of chasing her through rain washed streets. Her white dress fluttering in the wind and the rain dancing around her. She is always out of reach, his fingers curling around air as he tries to catch a hold of her.

Her eyes are large and solemn, this chase is not for fun. She is running from him and he is desperate to catch her, but it is hard to see with the rain streaming into his eyes. He is running so hard he cannot even call out her name and get her to stop and look at him, dammit.

The last thing he sees is her looking at him with those damnably large eyes and her mouth twisted in sorrow.

He awakens still short of breath, the after-image of Rukia's face burned into his brain. Ichigo is momentarily confused when he sees the steady grey rain outside. But then he sees that the outside world has decided to mirror hiss inner world.

He stares out the window for a minute. The rain has made a lake of the back garden and the clouds are low and thick on the horizon. The warmth of his breath fogs up the glass and eventually he can barely see the world outside. Behind him he can hear Orihime awaken.

"Morning Ichigo!" She throws back the covers in a burst of excitement. "What are you doing over there by the window?"

He can hear her soft footfalls and she comes to join him.

"Ah, would you look at the weather." She draws a smiley face in the fog of his breath on the window. "Do you think it will clear up by tonight?"

"No. I think it is here to stay." Ichigo responds, turning away from the window. But whether he was talking about the world outside or the world inside, he can't actually say.

The day passes both altogether too quick and too slow. Until finally, with one knock at the door, his life changes.

The first person through the door is Ichika and Kazui is right there to greet her. They chitter and sprint away to some corner of the house.

In the wake of the disappearing children, he finally hears her voice. She is chiding her daughter for being rude and not saying hello properly. Ichigo can hear and feel his heartbeat throughout his whole body as finally she comes into view.

There is silence as throughout his whole body as his heart skips a beat.

She is beautiful. As beautiful as the day she first appeared in his bedroom, though fool that he was he couldn't admit it to himself then. When they lock eyes, he can see she knows there is nothing but rain inside him. Her eyebrows knit together briefly, quizzically before she breaks the eye contact and greets Orihime.

Renji is next through the door, his red hair longer and still in its pony tail.

"Yo Ichigo." Renji has his massive grin in place.

"Yo Renji." Ichigo grins, truly grins, back at him.

They eye each other out. Their friendship is built on old rivalry and even now it is the basis for any interaction.

"Not getting fat yet I see." Renji comments. "Don't worry I'm sure we will see a gut on you yet."

"Ah Renji. I do love the pony tail. You know, my sister Karin has one quite similar to it." Ichigo fires back.

They both laugh. Ichigo can feel how much he misses being a part of this. A part of him mocks how much he ever wanted a normal life when he was younger, he can't imagine life without the supernatural in it now.

Then she is in front of him. Eyes crinkling at the corner as she smiles, but her violet eyes swimming with concern.

"Oi Ichigo. Don't be like my daughter and don't greet people when they walk in the door." She lightly hits him on the arm.

That simple touch sends electricity all the way up his arm.

"It helps if you give someone five seconds to say hello, ne Rukia?" His words are harsh, but his gaze his soft as he looks down at her.

"Baka." She grins back at him.

There is another knock on the door and Ishida walks in. pushing up his glasses even though they have not moved an inch on his face.

"Kurosaki." He says with a slight bow. "I apologise for my being late, minor emergency at the hospital."

"Ah, welcome Ishida! You aren't late at all! It's good to see you again." Orihime moves to greet him with another large smile on her face. "How are things at the hospital?"

"Good. The new medical students have a long way to go if they want to graduate. But we will get there." Ishida and himself picked identical fields, following in their fathers' footsteps. But Ishida remained the overachiever, graduating top of their class and beginning the long climb up to Chief of Surgery. It had only been under ten years and he was already the rumoured replacement for his father.

"Don't work yourself too hard Ishida. You must look after yourself. Rest is important." Before the flash of his glasses obscures his eyes, Ichigo can see something swirling inside them.

He knows that look, it's in his eyes right now. As their party moves towards the dining table, he wonders when the exact moment was, that everything in his life got so terribly complicated.

Dinner, for all the things weighing on him, is a wonderfully light affair. Ichigo is able to lose himself in the sensation of sitting on Rukia's right. The smell of her, faintly like cherry blossoms and some other scent he can only ever identify as hers. The sight of her, which he has to remind himself to look away to his other friends. But the most exhilarating is the occasional touches that channelled lightening to his heart and set fire to his skin.

Ichigo tries to lose himself in the sensation of having so many of his friends around, but Rukia's magnetism is too strong for him to overcome. Once again, he is trapped in the best kind of torture.

It's after dinner and the light has long bled from the sky but the rain has continued to pour from the sky and Kazui and Ichika though, initially put out by the rain, are having a wonderfully spirited board game.

The red wine is still flowing and Ichigo can feel it curling around his senses. Alcohol, he knew, made fools of everyone. So, it was no surprise when he saw Renji place a familiar hand on Rukia's shoulder, fingers splayed onto the smooth surface of her skin, that he couldn't handle it and as quietly as he could exited the room. Dismay and anger melted and moulded into one emotion.

He could feel that raw chunk of emotion sinking down through his stomach and the dream Rukia's whispers coiling around his ear. It all felt like just a little too much to take.

So that's why he found himself outside, glaring at the rain as it fell. His hands gripping the railing as he tries to make out the shapes of the world outside the back garden. But the rain is too heavy, it removes the world beyond. Ichigo feels trapped.

He turns when he hears the click of the sliding door behind him. For the second time in the evening his breath catches in his throat as she silently closes the door behind her.

For one, long, heartbeat neither of them says anything. But her expression is one mirroring the one she wore when he lost his powers and for two years he lost her. That should have motivated him to never let her go again, but here he was facing eternity without her. Close but never intimate.

"You always hated the rain, right Ichigo?" Rukia's voice is low and soft and subconsciously he leans in to hear what she is saying.

"Lately it feels like its always raining." The distance closes a little more.

"Let me try fix this rain first." Her arm sweeps out to brush the rain drops and her arm comes back in sparkling like stars where the drops catch the light. "Then we work on what's troubling you here."

She taps his forehead and some of the drops on her arm skitter off. Rukia turns away and flashes through some kido technique. Even after ten years his kido skills are useless. But Rukia has always been a master and he can only watch in silent admiration as the clouds are blown away and the large, white moon shines her single beam of light onto his garden,

Rukia turns to face the garden. Hands lightly resting on the railing she looks out over the moonlit garden, rendered unearthly in the silver light of the moon. Rukia is breath-taking in the moonlight. There are some who shine best in the day, but there are others who glow in the moonlight. Ichigo wonders if she is ever aware of how spell-binding she can be.

Emboldened he turns to place his hands next to hers on the railing. Fingers just touching.

"Ichigo?" Rukia's question is a breath of confusion.

He cannot look at her, not yet.

"Rukia, do you truly want to know why the rain has come back?" He asks this question more at the garden then at her, but he is afraid his resolve will crumble.

"Of course, baka." He can feel her eyes searching his face.

Ichigo knows he has never been good with words. He has always been a man of action. Which is why he takes her hand and spins her towards him and in one motion brings his lips down to her own.

There have been several moments in his life where time had stood still. This, by far, was the longest. The feel of her lips against his own, of her soft hair twisted in his fingers and her body pressed against his. Nothing in his life had ever been as sweet as this moment.

He broke the kiss, heady with taste of her. Her eyes show confusion and the look of growing anger. He takes a deep breath and tries to put what he feels into words.

"Rukia." The words die and turn to ash in his mouth.

The anger in her eyes is dimming as she looks up at him. He takes a deep breath and forces what he feels into words.

"I spent my entire early life, wishing and hoping for a normal life. Then you came and turned my already strange life onto its head. But you gave me a reason to fight, to protect those I love. Had I not been a stupid, ignorant kid, I would have realised I was in love with you all along."

Rukia says nothing as he pauses. Only her soft eyes look at him, the moon's light making her violet irises glow.

"It took me some time to realise. I started too, when I had to live without you for those two years. But then you were back, and the world seemed to be turning normally and the rain left again. Then it was the war and I ignored everything because what we were facing seemed so insurmountable. But then, I remember seeing you, with your bankai and how beautiful, how untouchable you were. I knew then I could never have you and I resolved then to let you go." He raises his hand and strokes her cheek.

"Baka." Is all she can say as one tear rolls down her cheek.

Ichigo wipes it away with his thumb. It is the first time he has ever seen her cry.

"But no mattered how hard I tried, my heart remained tethered to you. I fell more and more in love with you each time I saw you. I don't think there is a part of me that exists that doesn't love you. Every night in my dreams I would see you and be with you. Even though you were never truly mine, with you in my dreams, I could survive." He raises his other hand to cradle her face, delighting in the feel of her delicate skin under his fingertips.

"But then, last week, you told me to finally let you go and the rain came back. It took all I could to hide it and I thought I could hide it from you too. But you see right through me, you always have. So, when I saw you I knew I had to at least try, or I would drown from all the rain. Because I can't keep up with the speed of the world without you in it." Ichigo tilts her face up and kisses her.

Whatever sweetness the first kiss has, this kiss has none of it. This kiss, he can feel, is pure hunger. It is the walls of repressed want being swept away by lust. It is her lips and her hands running along him. Its his hands running from her face to her neck and down her back to her waist to pick her up. Her legs wrap around his waist and he can taste her on his tongue as he kisses a fire path down the white of her neck. Her fingers trace patterns across his bare skin and he can feel that touch tattoo on his skin. Ichigo wants her, wants all of her, now.

He is brought back to reality by the sounds of the ground floor door opening and the exclaims of his son at the lack of rain. Ichigo drags his eyes back to Rukia's face and this time plants one chaste kiss on her lips as he sets her down.

They watch from the balcony as Kazui and Ichika run out into the garden to play.

"This is a fine mess we have gotten ourselves into." Rukia tells him as she watches Ichika race Kazui to the top of the climbing set. "We are no longer just two people Ichigo. Do we get to hurt them because of this?"

"We will work it out." There is panic seeping into the edges of his voice. "I can't pretend this never happened."

"I cannot hurt them." Rukia gestures a hand towards the children. "But I can't deny what I feel for you."

"I cannot hurt them either." Ichigo hates the lift in his heart as he hears her words. "But, this is something we can explore together. You and me."

"You and me." She echoes, and her hand lightly slides over his on the railing,

There is a moment of silence between them as they watch their children play.

"Shall we head back?" Ichigo gives her fingers a squeeze as she smiles and nods.

When they reach everyone back in the lounge, Ichigo believes that no one notices anything amiss. He smiles and makes small talk with all of them, but every few moments his eyes find hers and his heart does a jump in his chest. The tracings of her fingertips tingle on his skin and a smile creeps its way back onto his face.

Later after coffees and despite the protests of both children, it is time for their friends to leave. They all make their goodbyes. This time it doesn't seem so catastrophic to him.

Ishida is the first to leave. Orihime promises to stop by the hospital with some lunch. Ishida tries and fails to supress a look of surprise. He recovers and gives her a small bow of thanks. She laughs him off and gives him a hug goodbye. He leaves quickly, but not before Ichigo sees a blush on Ishida's face. It makes him think of how it seems none of them got what they wanted when they grew up. That thought hurts.

Renji is next, holding Ichika in his arms. He waves goodbye, a trademark grin in place. Ichika waves to Kazui, making promises of beating him again next time. Kazui sticks his tongue out by way of response.

Rukia stands next to him to say goodbye.

"See you Ichigo." However normal her farewell sounds, her eyes are saying everything she can't.

"Yeah, see you Rukia." He wonders if anyone can see his love for her written all over his face.

Before she departs out the door she leans in and whispers.

"See you in your dream tonight."

 _Well all done. I was thinking this could just be a stand-alone piece, but I do have a vague idea where this could go, if anyone is interested?_

 _Thanks for reading!_

 _~ Kit_


End file.
